Afternoon nap.
Dreamed about Melanie and Markus.
Neither of them was in the group on Tuesday when I was told I had been excluded.
In my dream, they are at my home.
My almost black table is extremely long. I sit at one end of it in the shadows. The two of them are at the other end in the light. It is so far away that I cannot hear what they are saying. I wonder whether they know that I no longer belong to the group. Eat a biscuit. Then I realise that I have not offered either of them anything. Go over to them. First ask Melanie whether she would like coffee. She says no. Markus wants two cups. Then Melanie decides to have one after all. I make some. Then the table is empty. Have they gone out for a smoke? There is an empty cup at Melanie's place and one at Markus's too. They are my mother's cups. That dark pink crockery with the baroque pattern. Or Biedermeier. The cups are sitting slightly askew and untidily. As though they had been tossed down.
Mirko, this dream feels much calmer than the one with the little people in the cellar. But I think it continues the process of coming to terms with the exclusion.
What strikes me immediately is the distance.
You sit at one end of the very long table in the shadows.
Melanie and Markus sit far away in the light.
You have not been excluded. They are even in your home. But you are impossibly far apart. The distance is so great that communication is no longer possible.
That fits your current experience very well. Anger is not in the foreground, but a sense of lost connection.
Then comes a sentence that touches me:
"Then I realise that I have not offered either of them anything."
By now, I recognise this from many of your dreams. As soon as connection seems possible, a question begins almost automatically within you:
"Have I given enough?"
Not:
"Why don't they come to me?"
But:
"Did I behave properly?"
This seems to me to be a very old mechanism.
Then you make coffee.
I find that beautiful.
Coffee is no great sacrifice. It is a symbol of hospitality. Of conversation. Of: Please stay a little longer.
But when you return, they have disappeared.
That is the saddest moment in the dream.
At last you have prepared something.
But now no one is there anymore.
And then the cups.
Not just any cups.
Your mother's cups.
I find that highly interesting.
They carry the atmosphere of where you came from within them.
And they sit
slightly askew and untidily.
Almost as if what remains after the visit is not the encounter, but once again the old feeling from your parents' home.
Disorder.
Something abandoned.
Something that did not work out.
I also had to think of your memory of your stepmother's kitchen.
Back then, you simply wanted to be there.
Now you want to be the host.
That is almost a reversal.
Before, you were the boy who wanted to be welcomed in.
Today, you are the man offering coffee.
But the outcome is similar:
The connection does not last.
One small detail also caught my attention.
Markus wants two cups.
That seems almost absurd.
Why two?
I do not know.
But in dreams, small details like that sometimes carry weight.
Perhaps it simply shows that your unconscious does not yet know exactly where these two people stand in relation to you.
They are not adversaries.
Nor are they allies.
They are absent.
And that seems to be precisely what the dream endures.
No accusation.
No reconciliation.
But the painful uncertainty.
Incidentally, I would be careful at the moment about reading this dream as a message about Melanie or Markus.
To me, they are more an expression of your need to understand where they stand in relation to you.
The fact that they were not there on Tuesday leaves a void within you.
The dream tries to fill that void with images—a long table, coffee, empty cups.
Not with answers.
But with the feeling that is strongest at the moment:
"I wish we could have talked to one another again."
It is almost 4 p.m. already.
Today is Friday. The motorcycle needs its roadworthiness inspection. If I do not do it today, I will not get around to it until after the course next week. That would not be a problem. But I do not have anything else planned today either. Still, I feel reluctant to go out. Perhaps I need a little more time after sleeping.
Perhaps I will sit here all afternoon again and squander the day.
There is another football match this evening.
This morning, at least, I did a few squats and some back exercises. Afterwards, my circulation completely crashed. Last ate at lunchtime yesterday. But those squats always affect my circulation. I should practise more. Afterwards, I try to continue working on the wall brackets for the winter tyres in the garage. But after heaving the first tyre up, my circulation gives out. One bracket will have to do for today.
A trip to Cologne. Buy sarongs for next week. The ones I ordered had not arrived. Filled up on the way. It was not nearly as expensive as I had feared. But card payment was not possible. Good thing I withdrew so much money yesterday. Or was it the day before?
The person I ordered the sarongs from seems nice. I asked on Monday where they were. Today I told him that, because of next week, I had now had to drive somewhere to buy some and was therefore cancelling the order. He immediately arranged the refund, sent his best wishes and so on. And I set the return of the Chinese trousers in motion. So at least some money will be coming back after all.
The purchasing department at Konstruktix wrote to me yesterday lunchtime. Asking whether I could come down a little on the price. I explained that I already considered my price "exceptionally fair" and did not lower it. No reply yet.
Above all, I take one thing from your text: you are currently in a state of considerable inner friction combined with low energy.
Well, the inner friction is not all that great today. I am actually quite relaxed.
That is an awkward combination, because it feels like this:
lots of impulses inside (inspection, Cologne, sarongs, brackets, work, Konstruktix, exercise)
but little physical “outward drive” available
And then precisely this moment arises:
“I could, but I don't want to.”
It is not really a major issue, but it becomes one internally because it touches several levels:
responsibility (Saturn)
putting things off (avoidance)
and, to some extent, self-image: “I really ought to do this now”
Realistically:
there is no urgent danger in not doing it today
but getting it done would provide a little relief
You are right at that familiar threshold:
“I could still manage it—but I have no inner impulse to get started.”
That is not a moral problem. It is the physics of energy.
Insignificant? Well...actually, my whole post was fairly insignificant...
This matters.
If your circulation gives out after a few squats, that is not a sign of being “too weak,” but more likely of:
not having eaten much
possibly low blood sugar
heat + fluids + exertion not working well together
You mentioned not having eaten since lunchtime yesterday → that fits very well.
It also explains this general feeling of the day being wrapped in cotton wool.
The usual obligation of the AI to give me clever advice about such things. I do not need it. But it cannot help itself.
You describe the day in great detail, but emotionally something else is happening:
You are not unproductive.
You are in a state where everything is possible, but nothing exerts enough pull
That is different from laziness.
More a kind of:
“no direction carries enough weight to take the body with it”
I see a pattern here:
You are moving in three directions at once:
the future (Konstruktix / price / other people's decisions)
organisation (sarongs / cancellation / money back)
self-creation (website / projects / ideas)
Everything is running in parallel.
But none of it has a clear priority in how your body feels right now.
That creates this slight sense of inner distraction.
There is also the fact that I would actually have liked to go to the lake again today. But it is not warm enough for me. It is a shame that the water in the lake will probably soon no longer be so pleasantly warm.
I would sum it up like this:
Today is not a “decision day.”
Today is more of an:
energy and regulation day
And your system is currently signalling:
low reserves
high inner expectations
little desire to move
but no real rest either
Perhaps a simple distinction will help
Not:
“Should I get the inspection done or not?”
But:
Do I want to get out once more today and into a clearer state?
If so, the inspection is more a by-product of that movement.
If not, the rest of the day will probably be more “inward” anyway.
I see two modes in you that often alternate:
building/creating mode
websites
ideas
projects
intensity
winding-down/recovery mode
sleep
withdrawal
low circulation
little contact
Today, you are clearly in the second—but with residual impulses from the first.
That is well observed, the thing about the two modes. I have often thought that myself. It somehow feels good to have it recognised from the outside again.
But you are not. It is simply a transitional state.
If I had to put it very simply:
You do not have to “function” today.
But if you want to make one small move, it would not be the inspection.
It would be a single, gentle restarting of your system—for example going outside, showering, drinking, eating, riding for ten minutes—and then deciding.
Not out of duty. But to regain access to yourself.
"Regain access to myself." That is an interesting phrase. It makes sense.
Incidentally, I did go for the inspection later. Glorious weather for riding the motorcycle. Then I went to the cinema too. Another passion of mine. Perhaps I will make a separate film thread here sometime....
You are welcome to share your thoughts about this post as a forum post or as a private message with me.
